Thursday, June 4, 2009

Random Thoughts for the Everyday Person

I cannot and will not take credit for this - but I don't have the heart to send people too many forwards. So why not post it??

• Literally means exactly as you describe, dumbass. "I can't believethey fired me, I literally put my heart and soul into this job.." No,no you didn't. Unless you worked at an Aztec temple and they demandedsacrifice, you did not literally do shit.

• Eating dessert, skipping class, and having sex all have one thing incommon. Once the idea crosses your mind it's almost impossible not todo it, and if someone else says it out loud, it's 100% going tohappen.

• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that theirprofile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just gotthe Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind ifI do!

• My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquiredabout the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us".Classy, bro.

• It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not. Valentine's Day almost always fucking sucks.

• There's nothing as strong as the bond between two people who usually don't like each other but have found out they share a dislike for thesame person.• Fuck you oncoming car with halogen headlights.

• When I'm stir frying and microwaving at the same time I like to pretend I'm on Iron Chef. "Well Alton it look's like he has added the sauce packet with only 20 seconds remaining on the microwave timer. Let's hope he has time for plating."

• Quit calling yourself fat if you are clearly not fat. I am not going to say you're not anymore. I'm just going to nod and make that ehhhh kinda sound.

• Those not in a committed relationship, when was the last time you had sex... sober?

• If I say "You're killing me, Smalls" and the person I'm talking tolooks at me with confusion and doesn't know why I've called them Smalls, I question why I'm friends with them.

• I think the worst STD you could ever get is babies.

• I wonder when Will Smith will get the script for the Obama biography movie.

• "I heard it through the grapevine" should be replaced with "I saw iton Facebook".

• Why is "No." the abbreviation for number? There's not even an o inthe word number.• Capri Suns never had enough juice in them.

• Quit tailgating me, I'll speed up when I finish typing this text.

• Yesterday my mother called me to tell me that she had gone out tolunch with a bunch of her female friends the day before. During thelunch one of her friends said "Oh, guess what I did last night?" To which my mom responded "Took it up the butt?" I don't know what makesme more proud, the fact that my 55 year old mother came up withsomething like that on the fly, or that she felt the need to let meknow.

• I just saw about 5 people I know at the supermarket and managed toavoid them all. It was awesome.• Sandwiches always taste better when someone else makes them.

• The Sunday struggle: not showering because I want to workout. Notworking out because I really don't want to.

• "Seemed like a good idea at the time" is always the right answer.

• Somehow, no matter how tired I am, going on the computer keeps me upand alert for hours. Wish class or work had the same effect.

• They still have not found a cure for a hangover. Good luck, cancer.

• Sometimes I wonder if philosophers were actually that much smarterthan everyone else, or if they were just the only ones who rememberedto write down all the cool shit they thought of in the shower.

• I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I'm still watching your commercial on my shitty one.

• My mom tricks me into thinking that we are almost done with our phone conversation by saying "alright hunnie...." and then she will goon talking for another 20 minutes. Is that a talent specific to mothers?

• I am barely out of college and I already am beginning to feel out oftouch with the younger generation. What the fuck is Twitter?

• When I have to work late, the last thing I do is send a somewhatmeaningless email to my boss, just so she knows I was in the officeuntil at least 7:53.

• 8am - no way am I drinking again today. 1pm - after work, I'm goingto the gym, making a healthy dinner & then having a quiet night in.5pm - I need a drink. 10pm - how the fuck did I get so wasted?

• Why are there never fat people in fast food commercials, despite the fact that they're practically furniture in those places? Seems alittle obesist to me...

• Used coffee and soda cups are like mini-trash cans for your car's cupholders.

• Sometimes when you hate people, drinking makes you like them just alittle bit more.

• If you create a facebook album entitled "my babies", and the covershows 3 of your cats, I am never looking at your album. Ever. Same goes for those of you who create "random pics" albums of you standingin a mirror alone, holding up a camera. Get a life.

• I often come home wasted and attempt to watch a movie...then wake upon the couch with the title menu playing over and over.

• If filling up the garbage can in the kitchen as much as possible before taking out the trash was an Olympic sport, I'd be so dominant that people would accuse me of being underage..

• In Home Depot today I saw a product called "Liquid Tape"...that sounds an awful lot like glue....

• If I'm supposed to meet you somewhere and you call to see where I am and I respond "I'm on my way" or "I'm almost there," I probably haven't left my house yet. And when I have finally arrived, I will be blaming my tardiness on traffic.

• It might look like I'm enjoying the cool music on my iPod with my headphones on, but I'm secretly listening to your conversation.

• Back when I was in high school I used to go to sparknotes so I wouldn't have to read the book the teacher assigned. Now as a teacherI go to sparknotes to use their questions on my quizzes so I don'thave to read the book I assigned.

• I think I'm going to start a bar called the gym. Then all of thesepeople who really just want to say they went to the gym withoutactually working out would have somewhere to go.

• The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there shouldbe a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

• Wine glass? Tumbler? Snifter? Dude, we're getting drunk, notaristocrating on the Titanic. Just pour the booze into those plastic cups over there and the rest will work itself out.

• Why is it that what seems like a perfectly acceptable volume for your music when you get out of the car is entirely too loud when you get back in?

• I'm 25. I've probably been using the phone since I was 3 years old. So why is it when I go to leave someone a Voicemail, I turn into a stuttering head trauma victim who can't string a sensible sentence together?

• I find myself attempting to not sound like I'm right out of college while I'm at work. So instead of saying "yeah" I will say "yes",instead "shitty" I'll say "that didn't go well" and instead of "fuck you" I'll say "yes sir, I'll get right on that".

• I laugh everytime I see a "Slow Children at Play" sign. They shouldreally put a comma in there... I'm going to hell.

• Anyone who says working out in the morning "gives them energy throughout the day" is full of shit.

• Upon finding moldy food in the fridge I am going to throw it out-tupperware and all. It's just easier to buy new tupperware than touch, let alone clean, that.

• I always wonder how some parts get cast in movies. I can just imagine bulletins that say "Read for the parts of the Hideously Ugly &Overweight Girl and for the Toothless, Senile Old Man who Poops Himself today at 4pm." Someone out there is seeing this & says "Now that sounds like a part for me!"

• Whenever my car makes a strange noise the solution is always turning up the radio.

• I will definitely not enroll my future daughter in gymnastics seeingas I know she will only use her skills later in life for sexual positions.

• Ladies, you know you're in a true dry spell when you start considering the pill an unnecessary expenditure..

• If I show up to work an hour before my boss, I am doing whatever I want for that hour.

• A lot. See how I added that space between the A and the Lot? Yeah,that's supposed to be there.

• Hey eyelid twitch - thanks for fulfilling my life long dream of looking like a serial killer about to go on a rampage.

• I hate when a menu item looks good, but I can't order it because it has a cutesy name. I'm sorry, but I like myself too much to say thewords "Rootin' Tootin' Delicious Chicken Sandwich" in front of anyone I know.

• "Don't Stop Believing" is the like "Eye of the Tiger" for drunk people.

• "If you could get this turned in by tonight that would be great, but really anytime next week is fine." Next Friday it is then.

• I used to date a small-chested girl who said that she had"filter-boobs", meaning her small boobs filtered out the guys who would have only liked her for her chest, leaving the guys who really liked her for her. I think I have a filter-salary.

• They always give me too much time to get undressed at the doctors office. I cant decide if this means that my doctor is just slow or if I am a slut.

• Whenever it's below freezing, and you see a girl walking to the bar without a coat on, you should definitely make a move on her. You already know she's into bad decisions.

• I think "I don't like [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey]" is actually code for "I once puked up a ton of [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey] and thought I was going to die."

• When asked "Why does no one know how to please a woman?" Anonymous gave this answer: "Because nobody has a penis made out of chocolate that ejaculates money."

• I'm sorry TBS, but I have a hard time believing that "House ofPayne" is America's favorite sitcom.

• I offered a round of shots for my high school friends one night and someone suggested tequila. One of the girls there says "Oh, no tequila seriously... last time I drank tequila I blacked out and woke up with a boyfriend. Facebook official and everything."

• The first thing you should check when determining if you should move into a potential apartment is whether or not your cell phone has service all over the apartment. No coverage in the bedroom? Can't live there.

• I have discovered that my hatred for abbreviations and anal retentiveness for spelling has made me the best drunk texter ever. Sure, I may be squinting out of one eye with my tongue sticking out incomplete concentration at my phone, which is one inch from my eyeball,but you're going to understand what I'm saying, goddammit.

• How did ugly people get laid during Prohibition?

• If I don't shower within 30 minutes of working out, I'm not showering.

• I wish my office directory would also list people's relationship status.

• I have a mild anxiety attack every time I let someone borrow something.

• Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that. Thanks.

• Watching an entire television series on DVD makes me wonder how people sit and wait a week - a week! - between some episodes. I'm just so thankful that I live in this day and age.

• This line got me laid last night: "What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat." .....Alcohol-1 Logic-0

• You know it's time to do dishes when you're drinking water from a martini glass.

• Condoms are for strangers, not girlfriends.

• You should get a prize just for showing up at work on crappy weather days.

• I'm getting sick of people asking me what I want to do when I graduate. I don't know, is drinking during the day still an option?

• You are a "haha" person or an "lol" person. Either one is fine.. but everyone makes the choice.

• When I was driving back to school I accidentally cut someone off. They screamed "What are you blind?" and I yelled back "No just drunk."They kept their distance after that.

• Two guys at work were amazed by the fact that at both of their apartment complexes they stole internet from some guy that named his router "linksys". They couldn't believe the coincidence. I didn't have the heart to tell them.

• That is a shirt, not a dress. And Leggings are not the same as pants.

• It's never going to be a good night when you're the most sober member of the drunken shit show you call your friends.

• Beware your drunken inner-entrepreneur. While nursing a hangover, I found my handwriting on a wadded up bar napkin that simply read, NewRestaurant Idea: Date Crepe! I can't decide if I should be more worried about the concept, or the fact that I added an exclamation point.

• I had to watch a sexual harassment training video for work. The video showed a day in the life of a small-chested, very bland-looking girl who repeatedly got hit on by co-workers, clients, and even her bosses. My first thought while watching was "there is no way this chick is hot enough to be getting sexually harassed this much." My second thought was "I'm going to get my company sued one day, aren't I?"

• There are a lot of things that I don't do just because it reallyannoys me when other people do it. Getting married, or even being in a serious relationship is quickly moving to the top of that list.

• Cops should be able to pull over people who don't turn right on red.

• There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

• If the law was really serious about catching drunk drivers, shouldn't they just setup their checkpoints at every fast food drive thru after midnight on the weekends?

• At the bar last night a guy called his wife to tell her he was on the way home and to warm up the cock garage.

• I'm happy with my non-iPhone, non-Blackberry cell phone. It makes calls when I press the green button and stops them when I press thered button, and I can even send text messages. This is probably already more functionality than I need.

• Nothing throws you into a state of panic like getting a phantom vibrate from an empty pocket.

• Won't the ShamWOW just soak up all the water when you throw it inthe washing machine?

• If we're talking, and I say, "That's hilarious" without laughing, I've completely stopped listening to what you are saying.

• The most glorious ten seconds after you and your date have parted ways is when you finally succumb to your flatulence.

• The definition of wishful thinking: bringing my running shoes home from college over the holidays.

• Sometimes I don't want to go out to the bar on a Friday night and spend $75. Sometimes I want to sit in front of the computer, drink Jack Daniels, and read Wikipedia articles for 9 hours straight.

• I like to give my friends checks when I owe them money rather than cash, just so I can write stuff like "last night" in the 'For' section.

• I need new drinking friends, the type that will be single when I am and in a relationship when I am, not consistently the opposite no matter what.

• Facebook is the only place where being married is usually less serious than being in a relationship.

• I used to get really nervous when checking my grades online for college, not knowing what to expect. Now that I have graduated college the closest I can get to that same feeling is when I check my bank statements online after a vacation.

• I wish I could update my relationship status to "whoring it up".

• The English language needs a word to describe the situation where two people start talking at the same time, then both stop at the sametime, then both offer that the other go first at the same time.

• Im pretty sure I get 'self beer goggles'. The more beers I drink the hotter I appear in the mirror. Sad downfall to reality when I see those facebook photos of the previous night and realize how awful I actually look when wasted.

• I'm pretty content with our occasional hookups, at least until someone better comes around...

• The scariest 10 seconds ever is when you are double checking who youjust sent a text message to... just in case.

• The next girl that complains to me about not having any money, while carrying a Coach purse is going to get punched in the face.

• I don't understand why everyone with superpowers is either a superhero or a supervillain. What about superlazy? If I was Spiderman,I would use my powers to get my ass the remote. Oh, my stupid roommate left it next to the TV? THWAPP. If I was the Human Torch, I wouldnever ever wait for my oven to get to 350. I would have Funfetti cake now. And if I was Mr. Fantastic, well I'll let your imagination runwith that one, but let's just say I wouldn't leave my house often.

• I have the deepest desire for my turn signal to be perfectly in sync with the person in front of me.

• Me? Oh no. I didn't stay here and let my dreams slowly die in thesame backwater town I grew up in, like you did. I'm just home for theholidays. Well, it's nice seeing you. Bye.

• When I'm at a bar and I run out of things to say to someone, I'll often squint at a nearby TV just to make it look like I'm really concentrating.

• As a former bouncer at a bar, I don't think that there is anything funnier than turning on the ugly lights at 2am and watching the looks on peoples faces, as they realize what they are about to sleep with.

• I came to the realization this morning that I don't need Google, or Wikipedia, ever again because apparently my wife fucking knows everything.

• Yeah I fucked you. When we make eye contact in a bar the least you could do is nod and lift your beer.

• Dear snow, Yes, you are very pretty but none the less fuck you.

• I wish my office had a confessional like on the 'Real World'

• I wish Taco Bell delivered.

• I wonder how much of my memory is devoted to song lyrics.

• Verizon Wireless, could you please give me a few more time intervals to choose from when it comes to the "snooze" option on your cellphones? Having to hit the snooze button again every 5 minutes is a terrible joke to play on someone and a complete pain in the ass for me.

• Do you ever feel like the pharmacists are judging you when you dropoff a prescription?

2 comments:

Bryson said...

Most of these are from ruminations.com
still very funny though

Anonymous said...

I like how the person complaining about "a lot" vs. "alot" also used the phrase "none the less" when it should be the word "nonetheless".