Friday, February 25, 2011

Why are We Single?

Yeah, back to back singleness...

Me: Fox, Why are you single?

Fox: One day i faked sick to go on a job interview.

To make it more believeable, the next day I didn't wear makeup when I went into the office.

My boss told me I looked awful and made me go home.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Why am I Single?

Q: Why am I Single?

A: A recent conversation with Fox:

Me: I want to, like, go shopping. 

Fox: Okay

Me:  I don't really have a lot of money right now, maybe I'll just put some things on hold.

Fox: I don't think they have layaway at Ann Taylor.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Oh, You Know Him, He's the Other Penguin

It has come to my attention that when I begin telling a story, I always explain the characters of my tale in the same way.   Every. Single. Time.

These are stories about people I know, not stories about Disney characters.  At first, I was doing it out of sheer convenience for the audience of my kick ass stories.  I always find myself wanting to explain who the eff I am talking about and frankly I'm pretty bad at describing what people look like.

Yeah, he's like not short, but not tall....I donno!  He has eyes and hair.

So after our Halloween party, a light bulb went off.  [Insert thought bubble]...I'll just explain who I'm talking about by referring to them by their costume, GENIOUS!! Take note:

She was one of the no, that was Kim, Fox was the mom.

Yah, my friend Faith the one that lives in nh.....Operation??

Moose and her husband, yeah I mean Mario & Luigi...

Yeah I'm just going to hang out with  my roommate tonight...yep that's her, the green troll

Mmmm hmmm she was the tiger her fiance was Roy

Yah my friend that threw up off the chairlift last weekend, that was Snooki

Oh, you know him, he's the other Penguin

So, be wary of what you decide to dress as for my parties because it will follow you around for a full calendar year.  It's my world, you're just livin' in it.  Okay, let's put this into practice for you kids now.

It's prezzy weekend so obvi we were going to rage slash sunday funday.  A few prezzy days back I blessed you all with the gem that was Hangovahs, yeah you're welcome.  This is all you get this year, sowwy.

We had a crew out yesterday. Kris, Khloe and Kim Kardashian, Mario sans Luigi, the Hulk, Richard Simmons (moi), and Penguin 1 and Penguin 2 (maybe even a few more I can't recall).

Penguin 2 was celebrating his 29th Birthday, hard, and were all right there with him (while also celebrating some dead presidents as well).  Everyone was having a jovial time, triple fisting John Daly's, smashing free shots of Doctor off our foreheads, and whipping out dance moves like the Bernie (at like 2 p.m.).

So Penguin 2 had a few too many bevs and my bum may or may have not been slapped once or twice.  I have to take into account that based on what I was wearing, in his mind, I was asking for it.  I may return to my old reliable saying no popprincess, spandex are not pants.

A few words were said and we moved on from that but an hour or so later, Moose decided to orchestrate a Bernie-off between me and Penguin 1.  Again, I was putting myself into this situation...who the eff Bernies at Stats at all, let alone at 2:00p.m. on a Sunday....but I digress...

I was just getting into my groove and I felt a some sort of wetness dripping down my head.

OMG, Penguin 2 just poured beer on my head! WTF! 

So then I (Richard Simmons), grab Kris Kardashian and tell her what happened.  Kris, the mom that she is talked me off the ledge much like when Kim was crying about her new nudey pics.  Kris is such a great Mom.

Then the Hulk and Penguin 1 got into a small but noticeable argument with Penguin 2 (thanks for sticking up for Richard dudes).  To the best of my knowledge I do not believe that any punches were exchanged, but shortly after Penguin 2 was removed from the bar.  Sowwy Penguin 2.

The worst part about the situation is that we didn't even get to declare a winner.  One word for you Penguin 1: Rematch.

In case you are curious, things are okay between me and Penguin 2.  Nothing that a facebook friendship request and an apology text can't cure! If you're reading this P2, you owe me a John Daly's or 6 the next time we're out around town, mmmk?

To top it all off I ended my night by capping off my weekend with not just a 1-2 punch of Friday & Saturday night at the Whiskey Priest.  You guessed it make that 3 nights in a row at Whiskey Priest.  Aww yah, Whiskey Priest hat trick aww yah.  Richard Simmons needs a live change ASAP. 

Until next time,

Getting this CD tomm, fo sho.

This is pretty amazing.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Seriously Mom...

So, my friend Lorraine was watching his commercial with her Mom.  At the end Lorraine's madre was really concerned...

Lorraine's Mom: Oh my gosh, I feel so bad!

Lorraine: Why?

LM: Well I don't know what I'd do without my phone.

Lorraine: Seriously Mom, name 5 people that even call you...

LM: You....your brother....Dad....Aunt Cookie....and.......the dentist

hahahahah - so who's in your 5?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Oops, Beef turned 25 too!

So Beef turned 25 too, I'm pretty sure I was so caught up with being depressed about being old, that I left out the fact that my twin turned as well.  Whoopsies!

Side note: Beef sent me a shake weight, that arrived just a few days post-bday.  I sent her a Valentine that said "Happy Belated Birthday" inside that she got yesterday.  I'm an awesome sister/twin/MOH.

So, back to Beef's B-day... she had dinner plans with her fiance, 1st lieutenant blackout for Saturday night.  But they weren't ready and obvi wanted to blackout, so changed plans to go out Sunday.

Sunday came around and Beef and 1st lieutenant blackout couldn't go out to dinner because they had stayed up until 5AM, had breakfast at 24 hour diner and let's face it at 25 you're old, can't hang like you used to. 
So Monday rolls around, and Beef is fully expecting a full fledged birthday dinner.  Wrong.  First Lieutenant Blackout had to stay at work late, so didn't get home until 8:45.

Beef was starving.

He comes home...."You ate dinner right? I'm taking you out to dessert."


So they are at their chosen restaurant, and Moose calls.  Beef answered since she wanted to soak up all the happy bdays from afar. 

Moose: What are you doing?
Beef: We're at Chili's.
Moose: Happy 12th Birthday.

She didn't even get the molten lava cake.  I guess she's wearing her Birthday present on her left hand too...haha.

Happy Belated B-day Beef!


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Popprincess vs. Shake Weight

So much for anonymity

Shake Weight - 1
Popprincess - 0

Thank you @beckididit for the awesome b-day gift.

I Want My Boss to Adopt Me...

So, normally when a spunky young professional like myself has an older more established boss, she may develop an office crush and perhaps flirt (innocently enough) with the family man from time to time.

Nope, not me, I want to be adopted by my boss.

Don't get me wrong @mocarey is the best mom ever!!! She's a one of a kind lady and if you've ever met her you know she's

Even so, it doesn't replace that feeling I was "deprived" as a child - always longing for brand names and trips to Disney World.  

Please note: I was eating hydrox, cheez-nips and drinking stop and shop brand juice boxes (dubbed "welfare boxes") all the way through high school. 

Let me tell you, when Capri Sun was on sale, we sure had it and I put that juice pouch out for all to see!

So anyway, all of these old feelings were drudged back up at a meeting just after Christmas.  My boss was discussing how his holidays were, what he got for his daughters etc (We'll call him Mr. K for all intents and purposes).

Mr. K: So we got our daughter a queen size bed, and she's just not used to it yet...

Me: A QUEEN SIZED BED? I still sleep in a twin when I visit my old is your daughter?

Mr. K: Four

Me: I was in a twin until I was 22!!!

And that was just the start of it.  As we got into discussion about what he and his family had done over vacation....

Mr. K: Oh well we took the girls to New York City.  Do you know they have a Hospital at the American Girl store? There was a line over 100 people long waiting to take dolls to the fake hospital.

Me: Oh, American Girl Dolls too? How many do your daughters have?

Mr. K: Oh I'm not sure, maybe two each?

Me: Your daughters have the life I always wanted.

Along with our store brand food items, we did not have American Girl Dolls.  We had the booked (borrowed from the library of course) and the paper dolls, that's right paper.

So right now, as we're in the middle of the second of the one-two punch that is just this week's snow storm, he and his daughters are in Jamaica.  E-F-F O-F-FI think when he gets back Monday I'm going to ask him to adopt me.