Wednesday, March 30, 2011

"He'll pee all over me, I know it."

As you may know, Mrs. Moose Sticky Icky (officially) is hard at work studying to get her MBA and putting her nose to the grindstone as an intern...NAHT.

Your girl has gone to the end of the internet and back, spends her days and nights assaulting Facebook and terrorizing working folk like me on gchat.  Nonetheless, she shared this lovely gem of a YouTube video with me:

gchat convo went as follows:

Me: Is that serious?? that's like fuller's theme song...wait, fulton? I'm losing my touch, wtf is the mighty duck's name?

Moose: fulton, fuller peed the bed

 So, I spent a full week thinking I'd completely lost my edge.  I couldn't even keep a handle on the useless knowledge that fills my wee little brain!  All of the nonsense from 90's movies was getting jumbled together!  Pretty soon I wouldn't even be able to name what movie "Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF" was from!  If you don't know the movie, you're nothing.

Moose decided this past weekend, she'd spread the word about how I'd fallen off the wagon of knowing useless facts and share this story with TACO.

TACO called the Moose out immediatey. He was all "uhh Fulton didn't know how to skate at all".  He thought it was the texan that couldn't stop.


Let's break it down.

Fuller - Home Alone, "You know about him, he wets the bed".

Fulton Reed - Powerful but inaccurate slap shot, 1/2 of the bash brothers

Dwayne Robertson - cowboy, showoff, D2

and finally....drumroll please

Luis Mendoza - fastest skater, unable to stop (played by none other than benny "the jet" rodriguez).

Moose discovered this when trolling the internet trying to find a video that would prove TACO's theory...and then promptly attacked me via gchat


So there you have it.  Glad to know that the Moose (and I) are spending days, nights, and weekends finding the one thing our society most needs (obv world peace), saving environment and so on and so forth.  No we're crimesolving and I'm proud to tell you we cracked the case.

Until next time,



Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Merrimack Valley & Hooked on Phonics

My good friend Fox hails from a place called Haverhill ("helltown"), Massachusetts. Fox is proud to be from Helltown, former dwelling place of Tom Bergeron, Rob Zombie and was even featured on Chronicle just last week!

Haverhill is so far North, we tell Fox she's from New Hampshire (get over it, you are).  If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting a "hillie" up close and personal, I'll have you know that they are quite the treat.  Most of them that were born and raised seem to maintain this distinct Merrimack Valley accent.

It very much resembles any other Boston accent, with just a bit more attitude.  If not putting forth a tremendous amount of effort she pahks her cah, tells me i'm retahded and hangs out in the pahlah with her mutha.

On top of this accent, Fox is a terrible speller.  I'm not trying to knock her intelligence, my girl's wicked smaht, she graduated cum laude (while I on the other hand graduated cum friends).

Here's a taste of this weakness of hers per some gchat convos:

Fox: i legit thought you were in a hostidge situation

Fox::im goin rouge 
Me: rogue you mean? rouge means red in french 
Fox: umm yeah not red, sarah palin style 
Me: wow you can't spell 
Fox: its so bad

Today, she shares this lovely gem with me....

Until around age 12 she legitimately thought her good friend's name was Robbit.

Robbit Fox, really? 

Hunny, tell Robbit it's time fa dinnah.

If you don't share with Robbit, I'm not lettin' you in the cah.

I think Robbit can stay, let me ask his mutha.  

Fox, I hope Robert's mother let him stay for dinner and you got to go in the car too.  


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Want to move up to A?

As you may know, I play in quite a few adult sporting leagues (which include, but are not limited to: soccer, lacrosse, kickball, softball etc.). 

I'm terrible at saying no to these things.  Last year I somehow agreed to be the goalie in a Sunday Women's soccer league all the way in Newton

The time and location are probably why I had to fake a death in the family because I was out celebrating Beej's bday (and toads obvi wasn't going to make it to a 8AM game). Nonetheless, people ask and ask and I continually agree to join these teams with friends and friend of friends. 

Back in January my friend J$ asked if I wanted to join yet another team.  Sure! I thought, right up the street and not on the weekend, SOLD. 

So J$ picks me up for our first game.  As we were getting out of the car....

Me:So how do you know the guys on this team, from college?
J$: oh, I don't know anyone on this team, I just signed us up as individuals

WHAAAAT? Dear god! Talk about awkward.  Are these all of the lonely people in the city of Boston looking for friends? The folks looking for some fun/social scene while playin' the good 'ole game of soccer? Listen,  I have enough friends. I def don't need anymore strangers that want to be my friend.  No, none of you can be in my 5.

So we show up, sign in, get our jerseys and we're effing brown, BROWN.  I have every color of the rainbow from the BSSC, FSSC, CSI, FBI or whatever the heck sporting league I've been in.  The crap Brown shirt we get reads:

We put the fun back into sports.

Honestly? This is what you're going with? There's no creativity here. It actually doesn't even make sense.  I don't see the play on words with fun and sports, and to add insult to injury I have to wear this shirt week after week.  Dear person who made up the slogan, you're fired.

So J$ and I are warming up, kicking the ball around and I was all "wait why is our team name B12?"  Then I look to the field next to us I see some super athletic dudes and dudettes warming up and realize...

 "OMG, we're on the effing B team?".  Then I take a gander at the other idiots in shit brown jerseys and realize, yup 100% on the B team: we have a hippy with long hair, some slightly out of shape folks (myself excluded), a married couple, and a token foreigner...WHAT IS HAPPENING!!

With the exception of 8th grade basketball and 5th grade travel soccer I was never, ever on the B team.  I have to say, I might have lost my touch a bit, but god damn it I belong with the the athletic has-beens!  Not in a hodge-podge group of misfits!

Well, turns out our hodge-podge crew is actually stellar.  The wife of the married couple is a rock-star, and some of the out-of-shape looking people are sneaky athletic.  Go crap colored team, go!!! We even made it to the semi finals on Monday and all played like woah (even though all of us had consumed way more the 10+ drinks the day before at the parade). 

So we're on the road to the finals, and today I recieved a disturbing e-mail, see below:

Hi Mike, was your team interested in moving up to A division for spring in Southie?

The top two teams in A are taking the spring off so you won't have to face them. I am asking your team and B3 (first place in B) to move up in those vacancies (B9 and B11 are not returning for spring).

Please confirm if you want to move up to A, I hope to have the new schedule done by Sunday.


Is that for REALSIES?  Hey guys, the best of the best are bowing out this season and you're the 4th best team of the pretty shitty teams(you got it, two teams of the unathletic teams are better than and aren't going to play), so you are MOVIN ON UP!!  It's almost like letting me have some playing time because allllll of the starting lineup is out with the swine flu.

My first thought was, no Kathy, we'd like to stay in the B league or better yet, quit your league all together because you just took the fun out of sports for me Kathy, you really did! 

But then I thought, Did Peter La Fleur and the Average Joe's backout of the dodgeball tournment when Troup 417 was disqualified? (obvi for testing positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids, and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer, God damn that Bernice!).  NO! they didn't!

So, I guess the answer is yes, Kathy we'll move up, AND stick it to you by winning the 'ship next week!Wish me luck team B-12 is gonna need it.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

St. Mikes does Attitash, with a Splash of Motor Booty Affair

So, you'd think after the St. Paddy's day festivities my friends and I would have a nice relaxing weekend or two.

Well, we're going up for a long overdue visit to NH to see our good friend Faith Mason this weekend. Skiing? Enjoying that fresh mountain air?

Maybe.  Maybe not.  This is what we are in for...

Faith, can't wait to see you!  We can discuss the launch of, I have some new ideas.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Yah, I'm the hottest girl in the bar...

A few years back Moose's friend Jac from the San Fran had what I can only describe as an "Aha-moment" and not the wholesome, Oprah type moment...

She described it like this: "Every time I go out, somewhere between 8 and 12 drinks I really, truly think I'm the hottest girl in the bar". 

Hysterical, I thought, what a character that Jac is!  Quite some time has passed since she told us about this, and I'd honestly never experienced this "hottest girl in the bar syndrome", until now.  Last night somewhere between 8 and 12 vodka cocktails, the feeling just took over.

 I thought I was the hottest girl at the god damn North Star in Boston, Massachusetts. 

With my exceptionally good-looking girl friends excluded, the female talent at the bar was not abundant.  I, however, certainly was not the best lookin' gal there (though my vodka filled brain told me otherwise). 

Let's paint the picture for ya....first off, Nugget and I bombed into the bar ready to rage.  We did not have a single dollar of ca$h on us.  Too lazy and cheap to walk to an ATM, we batted our eyelashes at the two bouncers and told them we would buy them shots if we didn't have to pay the cover.  IT WORKED,  no shots necessary.

We must be the hottest girls here. 

We b-lined for the bar, and Nugs orderd two shots of jose cuervo (really nugget?).  Cheap tequila shots are so sexy!

The beats were pumping so obvi we headed towards the dance floor.  Honest to blog I was dancing like I was the highest paid extra in j.lo's new video. 

I cannot dance.  Legitimately my staple dance moves are washing the windows, fist pumping and an intermittent twirl from whichever lucky dude gets to take me for a spin on the floor.  That is exactly what was happening, per usual, I just thought I looked damn good doing it.  There may or may not have been a booty drop sprinkled in the mix. Whoopsies.

So outside the bar, the weather last night was nothing short of amazing, it was probably 50 degrees!  Wonderful news as far as escaping the chilly winter, but terrible news for the temperature inside the bar.  Beads of sweat would be an understatement.  I was sweating like a Biggest Loser contestant on Week 1.

Somehow, I still thought I looked A-mazing...

This new-found confidence came to a screeching halt on my first visit to the bathroom.  This is when reality set  in.  My perfectly coiffed hair was now a sweat-filled frizzy mess that was stuck to my face.  The makeup I spent a solid 30 minutes putting on had all but disappeared.  I'm pretty sure I'd spilled some form of brown liquor on my new top. 

I longed to turn back time and get my hottest girl feeling back, but it was now just a distant memory from my past.  Instead of fixing myself up, this is the thought that went through my head (or the comment that was said out loud to the strangers in the bathroom with me...)

"When I open my own bar, I'm totally going to put fewer mirrors in it...".  


Know this: sometime in the future(it could even be years), however high or low your self-esteem may be, this will happen to you.  You won't see it coming, it will happen out of the blue, but when it does just embrace it.

The house of cards will all come falling down when you either A) Go to the bathroom (provided you are not at my awesome bar that doesn't have any mirors) or B) You see your mess of a self in photos that are streaming through the facebook mini-feed.

Good luck and god speed.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

"But people don't even watch music videos anymore"

These are for Nugget. We still watch music videos.

Mike Posner - Bow Chicka Wow Wow ft. Lil Wayne

J.Lo - On the Floor ft. Pitbull

Avril Lavigne - What the Hell

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

An Open Letter to Justin Timberlake

Dear Justin,

How are you? Are things good? How's Jessica, good? Good. Let's cut to the chase.

What's happened? My concern is growing because you are a very talented guy, you're a triple threat in fact! You can sing, dance and act but your priorities seem to be whack lately to say the least. 

You can sing, dance, and act and should do so in that order.  Sure, your acting career has come a long way since you were in that ABC Family made for TV movie (ahem, Model Behavior). And even though I shed a tear at the end of Alpha Dog, seeing you as a tatooed bad-ass in a movie that is a B- at best is not what I'm lookin' for. 

So maybe you made some strides outside music biz over the past few years.  We LOVED D*ck in a box, we did.   I agree, you may have missed your calling as an SNL regular.  You were pretty bomb at hosting the ESPY's, we love sports too.

But let's get REAL: Shrek the Third was by far the worst in the series.  Then, did you really sign on as the voice of Boo-Boo? And after that you played a booger on The Cleveland Show? Nothing sexy about that JT.

Maybe the voice-overs are fun but take it back to the basics.  People are starting to forget who you are!  Take for example my roommate, Beej and her boyfriend @KLFatso.  They went to see The Social Network together. 

1/2 way through the movie:
@KLFatso: So, is that really the guy that invented Napster?
Beej: No, that's Justin Timberlake?

Exactly KLfasto, who is he??? Oh, he brought SexyBack in 2006

Per wikipedia, since 2007 he's been doing "collaborations & acting".  Well the collabos are few and far between.  Listen up.  Carry out was only O.K., so was 4 minutes but Madonna anytime past 1990 is overrated.  Don't be so quick to walk away...from your solo music career JT.  We need you!

Give freaking Nelly Furtado a call and get something crackin'!  I need a beat.  I need a dance beat and I need it from you.  Do me a solid get your ass out of the voice-over studio and into the music studio.  So bring Rihanna, Timbo, T.I. (once he's out of jail again) and whoever else you need. 

Call Lil' wayne, you're bound to go top 10 if you bring him.

I'm here for you bud, but if you star in another GD animated feature I'm gonna agree that sexy left for good and go see what JC Chasez is up to. 

Until then,

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Grand Canyon Here We Come?

It's pretty much official that my friends and I are tapped.

Saturday we had a brilliant idea to become moms....sort of. Vicki deemed it a "pregancy pact" but in all reality we just went to PetCo in Quincy and bought some betta fish.  

The grand plan stemmed from a very deep conversation about Nugget's hypothetical hamster named Carl. She used to get a little lonely over in Brighton when her roomies weren't around, so she thought a small rodent with a human name would provide a little companionship.  My response to this (not thinking Carl was a weird name for a hampster by any means) was:

What? People name their dogs Sarah.

My friends had a field day with this.  If you know a dog named Sarah please provide me with some proof (a picture of her dog tag perhaps) so I can shut them up, thanks!

So anyhoo we decided that we would each get a Betta fish, give it a human name, and see whose fish could live the longest.  We also decided that each time a fish passes away, there will be a special ceremony at a pre-determined location. 

We threw around ideas like going to the top of the hub, freezing all the fish until that last one was gone and sending them all off together...but we've outlined the plan below and in the hopes that years would pass before the first fish kicked the bucket...

Fish #1 - Everyone goes to to that person's house with a condolence gift. Honorary flush.

Fish #2 - Carson Beach. Brunch at Amrheins.

Fish #3 - Lake Champlain. Sweetwaters.

Fish #4 - GRAND CANYON. Head to wherever there's awesome food.

That's right, Fox wants to ride a donkey down to the bottom of the grand canyon, put her fish (Craig) in a special wreath and send him down the river.  Keep in mind Craig is named after Craig from Friday (you know Ice Cube also from Next Friday and Friday after Next).  "SUP CRAIIIIIIIGGGG?".

If we're too poor to go to the Grand Canyon, we've come up with a backup plan of Niagra falls (on the Canada side of course).    Did I mention that we were tapped? Just thought I would reiterate that. 
My mother's response to this plan was, plain and simple:

Well at least it's not a cat...

We've come up with some rules for this weird but awesome competition:

Rule #1: You may not order fish at the coalition, fish are friends not food. Everyone must have nice words prepared for the meal. 

Rule #2: Your fish must have a human name (example: Sarah).

Rule #3: Fish Care: You may not sabatage anyone else's fish. If you're babysitting you must ,care for the fish as if it is your own. You may not let anyone outside the group babysit your fish.

Rule #4: Death notice must be via voicemail or email. Voicemail order is alphabetically by 1st name.

Rule #5: You must leave all significant others and family behind during the coalition.

So that's it.  There you have it.  Craig, Dave, Ernest and Sam were adopted on Saturday, February 27th.  I am currently babysitting Dave while Nugget is in Florida.  Dave and Sam are safe and sound.  HOWEVER, A mere 2 DAYS post adoption.

Fox kills craig....(see Craig, pictured below).

First off, she broke rule #4 and gave me the death notice via gchat and then with a picture text message...that was not outlined in the rules.  Nonetheless, it looks like we'll all be heading to F street for an honarary flush. 

 RIP Craig, long live Dave, Ernest and Sam...