Monday, February 16, 2009


Okay it's Monday - and I'm hungover. Sad but true. I love America, so I had to celebrate Presidents Day, right? But the hangover got me thinking about whyy I constantly do this to myself, but I stopped immediately in my tracks. I mean, making Billy Madison into a drinking game and drinking anytime they said Billy, school, O'Doyle Rules, or we saw an imaginary Penguin, was a damn good idea (and not just one of those "I thought it was a good idea at the time" ideas)

So, with that having been said, again I'm still hungover. But how hungover am I? you ask. I decided I can classify my hangovers with a few short anecdotes and key phrases that you have uttered some derivative of on a Saturday, Sunday, or even Wednesday morning in your life.
[Note: names were not used as to protect my innocent but hilarious friends and acquaintances]

I drank half a bag of wine (slapping was involved).

Fact: the cheaper the wine the worse the hangover. You did this to yourself. Just because the Tour de Franzia was going through campus
didn't mean you had to grab your imaginary bike, and not-so-imaginary bike shorts, and join the race(but why the hell wouldn't you?). Grab the Advil, drink some water, and lie down...for a good long while...

I only ate teas...

It's summer, and Saturday. You went to the beach, so obviously you had to bring some twisted teas with you. Problem is you ate 10-12 of them, all day long, while roasting in the sun. You brought your chair into the ocean..and you didn't just get your feet wet. The waves were actually crashing over your head - tea in hand.

You got home around 5:30, drunk. You thought "power nap!", set your alarm for 7:30 and snuggled with a bubba of Poland Spring. Rather than waking up refreshed and ready to change into evening gear, you're absolutely still drunk. Regardless, in an effort to get your hot little self dressed and made-up you end up looking more like a tranny than a beach goddess.

Oh, and when you finally make it to the bar you have a run-in with a girl who clearly spent her day a) indoors or b) under an umbrella. She tells you she "likes your tan lines". Damn.

Fact: As a result of your prolonged sun exposure and your misuse of sun screen, you are burnt, dehydrated, and low on sugar because you ate so many teas. Your brain actually feels as if it is separating from your skull (technically it is - trust me, I googled it). Again, water, Advil, aloe, nap and repeat.

There's marinara on my dress...and I'm still wearing it

Okay - it's safe to say you blacked out. You didn't even know you had any food that included marina sauce in your fridge but somehow, someway, you ate something...and it ended up on your dress.

Maybe you ate the cab drivers leftover's (Quote: "You're eating the cab drivers left overs", Response: "He's not just the cab driver...his name is Bill"). Maybe it wasn't marina on your dress, it could have been a hand print of mustard on the ass of your jeans (I...uh...I mean you probably stopped eating street meat after that) or it was Greek dressing on your coat (that you did, in fact, wake up in) but regardless if you can't remember eating it it was calorie free right?

Fact: Your hangover is accompanied by a horrible taste in your mouth. If you woke up in your coat you most certainly did not brush your teeth. Your bad breath could quite possibly be followed up by a stomach ache...brush teeth, water, saltines, Advil, nap...repeat x2.

Why is there a bruise/welt/cut-scrape-gash on my [insert body part here]?

I'm being optimistic here. There could be cuts, scrapes, and bruises all over your entire body...depending on the circumstances. Maybe your boyfriend wanted to give you a piggy back down the street, you stood on the stairs to jump on, and you went flying over his back and and the curb cushioned your fall. Maybe you got in a fight with a pricker bush and now have to wear jeans on a 90 degree summer day. Maybe you thought it was a good idea to superman the beirut table, and you broke your nose (recap: I classify that as one of those "I thought it was a good idea at the time" ideas). Maybe your foot got run over by a cab (see For your birthday, I Threw Myself in Front of a Cab)

Nonetheless, you are hurtin' for certain.

You may have to go to the ER. Assess the situation and figure out your game plan. Depending on the amount of dirt or debris on your body you may have to shower before going in public. Soo shower, water, Advil (perhaps percocet?), nap, repeat...

Where the eff am I?

If you went to college this happened to you. Be honest, it made your hangover soooo much worse. How far away are you? Did you go on a party trolley in Boston, get drunk, makeout...and wake up "Chillin in New Hampshire"?

Are you a college junior, in a freshman dorm, putting your lucky guy's sheets in a walmart bag, and you now have to walk across campus (through the caf. to add insult to injury) because you booted in his bed...all night long..?

Are you in a shopping cart?

Fact: You have to re-evaluate your life

Your lucky new friend has to drive you 2.5 hours back to where you started. You are most likely embarrassed (perhaps blushing?). You have to wash the sheets. You have to find your dignity.

Find dignity (or clothes or both), get your ass home, shower, Advil, pray.

Okay time for me to refill my water and take that nap I've been waiting all day for...catch ya on the flip side.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love the ode to yuking on someone's MONOGRAMMED sheets!