Thursday, April 2, 2009

You want me to take the BUS?

A few weeks ago I was at Moose’s a mere 6 blocks from my apartment. I asked her if she would drive me home, and not wanting to lose her parking space she handed me a Charlie card. “The BUS? You want me to take the BUS?”.

I can’t really describe why I have such disdain for the bus. It’s not like I take it everyday; I drive to work. I think it could just be a series of unfortunate events relating to my experiences with the BUS.

In Kindergarten, there was a substitute bus driver (not sure what qualifications you have to meet to acquire this position, but I digress). My sister and about 3 other kids were the last ones on. She was lost and asked me which way to go. I did not and still do not have any sense of direction. I told her "take a wight". Once she realized we were still lost, she called me an idiot. Uh hello, I’m FIVE, and in Kindergarten I pick my nose, finger paint and I can’t even tie my shoes. Also isn’t that what your damn radio is for?

In 1st grade a boy the stop before mine fell off the bus. He got a bus letter. A bus letter for falling (fyi: a bus letter is a note from the driver to your parents, stating you were
bad on the bus).

In 4th grade, I was called the Vice Principal’s office. Oh wee! Am I going to be student of the week?? No, I was getting in trouble for making fun of a 6th grade boy...on the bus.

Since the time I started riding the bus, when I watched TV I was always BAFFLED when the school bus beeped for the kids. I thought “this does not happen in real life”. Low and behold today, as I am walking to my car, a bus pulled up to my neighbor’s apartment. It stopped, turned on its flashing lights, and popped its little stop sign out. And then, the driver HONKED. I couldn’t believe it, is this real life????

Now keep in mind, it was a short bus. But still! A honking bus. This would have saved me from quite the scaring experience on a fateful day back in the 7th grade when I missed the bus.

The bus flew by…sans even a slight honk, and my mom had to drive me to school. Being a snowy winter day her ford Taurus Wagon was parked in our garage. She was angry with me because I missed the bus and barking because I she was going to be late for work. And then, distracted as she was backing out, it happened….she completely knocked her side mirror of the shaggin’ wagon. “You bag of sh*t!”. OMG did my mom just call me a bag if sh*t???. Yes, My mother just called me a bag of sh*t….being a wee middle schooler, I began to cry. I must have looked great, arriving to school bracefaced, puffy hair (I had not yet discovered the powers of a straightner) wearing a sparkling abercrombie t-shirt I got for 10 dollars at marshalls and wimpering. But, Honest to G I was scarred for life.

Fast forward to now, age 23, working at my first real, corporate job. Granted, as you read in Disgruntled worker, it’s a pretty lax work place. We wear jeans, we could even wear sweatpants and everyone is pretty laid back. We share folders on our network and if you’re in a document, it sometimes locks other people out. My boss, who sits, next to me, was tip typing away at her computer and then suddenly said “Popprincess…you mother f*cker”. Did my boss just call me a mother f*cker?? Yes, my boss just called me a mother f*cker. She apparently wanted to be in the doc. I was in….yet still, stunned I felt like I was right back in middle school….had a missed the bus??I touched my no I don’t have braces, and no I’m not going to cry…but seriously WTF. Scarred again.

The point is…I hate the effing bus. It brings back a whirlwind of memories I would more than like to forget. So no Moose, put down the charlie card, I will not take the bus.

editor's note: Yes, she did drive me. And lost her parking spot.

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