Friday, February 20, 2009

Attention Gym Rats: Get your Sh*t Together!

I’m sure you have all left the gym, a place where you go to relieve stress, feeling as if your blood pressure is going through the roof. People seem to drive you CRAZY and it’s the smallest things that could set you off. Okay I’m not saying I have the best manners (obviously on facebook I have extremely proper etiquette), but I’m just throwing this out there since I'm sure you can relate to some of these gym-time gripes.

Spandex are not pants.
Pretty self explanatory.

Hey! I was watching Oprah!
I’ve been on this damn elliptical for 20 mins – and you change the channel on me to watch ESPN. Did you ever think that I want to see what happens to the single mother of 8 who’s house burned down. WTF!

The water fountain.
This is shared. Don’t spit back into it OR put your lips to it, I don’t want what you got.You might as well go makeout with everyone in the gym.

You look the same as you did 2.5 minutes ago
Man in muscle shirt…you look the same as you did the last time you checked the mirror (which was probably a minute ago). You aren’t going to be any more “ripped” 2 minutes from now. And If I see you lift up your shirt to check out your abs…I will judge you.

Bring a damn water bottle.
Again man in muscle shirt… you have to walk allllll the way from the weight section to the water fountain (which is conveniently past about 100 yards of mirror side by side). You conveniently “forget” to bring a water bottle…every, single, time you are at the gym…you would be more “ripped” if you didn’t waste so much time checking yourself out.

Moaners and Grunters..

Unless you are lifting while simultaneously birthing triplets, quiet down.

Boo to B.O.

I understand that it’s the gym and people are sweating. But, if you forgot to slap on the Old Spice this morning, spare us and stay home.


Don’t go to the gym with your significant other. Okay fine, you do your own thing for a bit and you want to shoot hoops together, or you actually want to run together. But don’t dote over the treadmill she’s at on your 6th trip to the water fountain in the past half hour. Oh and don’t’ you dare sit and watch him lift weights.

Jeans, Sandals, Street clothes in general
No no no no no no no.

Spray Cleaner

A) Use it B) Don’t abuse it – if I’m on the treadmill and get sprayed in the face by a chemical that only God knows the composition of…I will be unhappy.

I understand you need to change in the locker room, BUT, if you are over the age of 40 things aren’t where they used to be. Try a little modesty for the sake of other patrons.

Unsolicited advice
Unless you own the gym or are extremely attractive and of the opposite sex, don’t critique my technique.

And finally, as a general rule, do not pass gas on a cardio machine, especially if there are innocent people running at high speeds next to you. That is cruel and unusual punishment.

I’m just saying, it’s a communal space, it’s shared, and you see the same group of people daily and weekly(yes, I am excluding you people that only show up January 2nd - 5th and then never come back).

We are all working towards a similar goal, maybe you want to get ripped, or fit into your wedding dress, or in my case, I'm killin' it to fit into my jean shorts so I can grab a budweiser. Just make our time together a little more pleasant and try not to bark my on the road to my goal. THANKS!

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