Friday, February 13, 2009

Facebook Etiquette

As you know – I’ve been told I should be in a facebook commercial. Mark Zuckerberg hasn't called me yet...sooo I thought I might share my thoughts about it with you. No, I'm not going to tell you how to use facebook, you can figure that out for yourself. But I’d like to lay out a few tricks of the trade, a sort of set of ground rules on etiquette so you can be a good little facebook user:

1) Profile pic: If your pic is 2 yrs old you are trying to deceive those who have not seen you in awhile. Friends that see you on a regular basis realize this is a farce. Be honest and update your pic. If you go out in public…people know what you look like.

Next, If you change your picture weekly, or even bi-weekly…take it easy. And if there are over 100 pics in your “profile pictures” album…that is a telltale sign that you should absolutely tone it down.

2) De-tagging: I understand if there is beer coming out of your nose, or you seem to be in a compromising situation in several pictures you can de-tag, I would do the same, no questions asked. But again, with the honesty, if you think “my arm looks fat” or “my hair looks greasy” I will classify you as a facebook snob. Again, you go out in public, sometimes your arm does look fat.

3) Applications: My sister classifies herself as a “facebook purist”. Just her info, pics and a wall. That’s fine. If you have more than 3 applications tone it down. Bumper stickers were fun for about 2 months but “fun-wall”, “super-wall”, “what kind of Disney princess are you” (I think I’m Cinderella) are violently unnecessary.

4) Status Updates: I don’t care that you’re "pumped it’s Friday!" or you're "bored at work". I absolutely don’t care if you are in Florida, California or the Caribbean. You might as well write [Insert your stupid name here] is picking my nose at my desk until I on jump a plane to [insert vacation destination here] oh yea and you are not going anywhere nana nana boo boo! Stop being so starved for attention via the interweb.

5) Relationship Status: Yes I was formerly married…to a girl. At age 23 this is no longer acceptable. If you are married, it’s complicated, or in a relationship with a chick and in reality you are not lesbians…break it off. If you are a guy in an fbook relationship with a guy and not
gay…God help you.
Also - if you are actually in a real relationship...don't list it as "it's complicated".
We will assume:
a) you are about to be dumped or
b) you're a slut

If you get dumped…you may update your relationship status; however, do not use this as a means to tell your friends. Be courteous, let them know ahead of time so they don't find out through the mini-feed. Also – if your friend gets dumped DO NOT comment on their updated relationship status. Major no-no.

Do not dump your significant other via facebook.

Finally, if you changed your relationship status we know you either got dumped or dumped someone. Do not, in addition to this change, make your status message any of the following: Broken, Lost, Confused etc etc. (see #4)We read it in the mini-feed we aren’t assuming that you are in a good mood, place, or state of mind.

6) Interests: If you don’t like to run, don’t list it as an interest. If you are trying to convey that you are athletic or that you ‘go to the gym’ through your interests and a) are athletic or b) actually enjoy the gym, fine, listing either of the above as an interest is acceptable. If you are merely stating it so you don’t look like a slob that only likes to drink and watch tv…we’ll see right through you.

7) Books: If you don’t read don’t lie. If the last book you read was The Giving Tree or Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day and it still happens to be your favorite, let the world know.

8) Movies: List your favorites. Do not list every single new movie that you see. If you don't think it will be one of your favorites in 5-7 years it shouldn't make the cut, sorry.

9) People you may know: okay this has nothing to do with etiquette but is just a general facebook grievance. I'm sick of seeing your face in my people you may I friend you. But then I start getting messages about your band, and your new releases, and your tour dates. I don't care, so I want to defriend you...but will your stupid face pop up on my homepage as people you may know again?? not worth the risk...

Last but certainly not least:

10) Defriending: Facebook "spring-cleaning" is completely and utterly unnacceptable. I did not personally run into this problem, but, a fellow classmate decided she would remove 50+ of her facebook friends. Did she only want her actual friends to be her "friends" on facebook??? I don't understand...

In short, you committed to the book, and committed to the friends when you either accepted them, or befriended them. So unless they have thoroughly abused any of the above grievances, there shouldn't be grounds for defriending.

These aren't so much "rules" as much as recommendations for the good book. If you don't want to bother your friends, and even those who aren't yet your "friend" just attempt to follow just a few and make everyone's day surfing the web a little bit easier...

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