Monday, February 2, 2009

"For your birthday...I threw myself in front of a cab..."


Saturday night, yet another birthday. Obvi we had to do something wild to celebrate 23 years of life right? Off to the bars we went...

One of my very best friends, Nugget, one of my most special friends, was obviously in attendance. Her name is Nugget because she assumed the Denver Nuggets were named after Chicken McNuggets. She also once thought an anti-inflammatory could stop you from being set on fire, she was once confused about when it was 11 in the morning whether it was a.m. or p.m. and when I asked her if she liked filet mignon she responded "Ew, I hate fish!”.Nugget's a character so obvi always adds some spunk to a night on the town.

Around 1:00 a.m I got a phone call: "Nugget got hit by a cab". I assumed my friend no the other end of the line was being dramatic. Wrong.

An hour or I got home to find Nugget in severe pain, shoes off, comparing the size of one swollen ankle to the other.

Inner Monologue: Holy shit, she actually got hit by a cab.

I being a former water girl/trainer's assistant in college attempt to assess the injury and convince her to go to the hospital. She tries to convince me that her feet are always blue and this is nothing out of the ordinary.

Nugget: I'm not going to the hospital if I'm blackout.
Me: They don't care if you're blackout.
Nugget: I care if I'm blackout.
Me: If you can't remember it, it didn't happen.

Nugget wins the argument. "Bright and early" we get up, I put on sneakers, jeans and sweatshirt on to tried to look presentable for the doctors. I instead end up looking like a lesbian lumber jack. Nugget wore one Ugg and one patent leather ballet flat. She wanted to look fancy for the docs right?

The nearest ER is right in the heart of one of Boston's fabulous cultural epicenters, Chinatown. Just our luck - there was a parade for the Chinese New Year. People dressed up in dragon costumes, firecrackers, drums banging, traffic backed up for blocks, cops on horseback, the whole 9 yards.

Inner Monologue: Not Today.
We parked the car, I offered to carry Nugget but she refused (perhaps because she did not want people to think the lesbian lumberjack was taking care of her lady friend).

We had firecrackers and drums ringing in our ears and we are basically fighting through the crowd. Like, really?? Am I actually in China? Nugget was clearly dragging her foot behind her and an Asian woman literally body checked her trying to get across the street. Honestly? Get us to the ER.

I spotted three clerks at registration. One is wearing a pink High Shool Musical sweatshirt. Things are looking up! Or so I thought, several idiotic conversations came to follow:

Girl at Registration: What brings you here today?
Nugget: Umm a cab ran over my foot.
Girl at Registration: Well that's not good.
Inner Monologue: It's not? Jesus...

I look at the girl, smile, and hope she doesn't think I threw my lesbian lover in front of a cab last night...

Nurse: Did you get the cabbies info?
Nugget's Inner Monologue: I wish I did, I could effing retire.

Nurse: I'm guessing by your change of shoes this didn't just happen.
Inner Monologue: I'm guessing that her fancy shoes did not impress them.
A short while later a hairy chested medical tech brought us back to the exam room.

Nugget: I hope I don't have to tell anyone else what happened.
Me: You haven't even seen the doctor yet.
Nugget: Shit.

The doc came in to take a look, took her for x-rays and then we waited, ever so patiently, to see what the deal was with Nugget's tootsies.

Us: We want a fountain soda, we need water, we need to get our lives together.

Doc: No broken bones, maybe a torn ligament or two. We'll get you a brace and a cane to help you walk - the last thing I want is you falling down the stairs on a pair of crutches.
Inner Monologue: a cane?

The doc leaves the room - we lose our shit. Nugget with a cane, okay the day is definitely, definitely getting better. Will they bring her a monacle too? Unfortunately for us, a few minutes later we hear nurses in the hallway:

Nurse 1: Where are the canes?
Nurse 2: We don't make canes anymore.
Us: Damnit!

Nugget: I wish real life was like Grey's [Anatomy] where all of the doctor's were hot.

The unfortunate looking hairy chested medical tech returns.

Hairy Chested Medical Tech: So where were you guys last night?
Nugget: The Greatest Bar.
Me: Yeah, it's not that great.
Hairy Chested MT: Oh, do you guys head out there a lot?
Inner Monologue: Again, not today.

Next on the queue was to show Nugget how to put on the brace. Now I'm unsure if you have ever seen an air cast type brace before in your life - but they are pretty self explanatory. The Hairy Chested Medical Tech struggles with the Velcro and his latex gloves and even states "God I hate Velcro". He continued to get flustered. He had to take a knee. He completely removed the Velcro. He looks up at me "You think you could help me out here?"

Inner Monologue:
A. Seriously?
B. 3 yr. olds can use Velcro
C. Get an undershirt
D. Get us outta here.

I put the damn brace on her, we get out of the ER, and we bomb through Chinatown to the car, sans cane.

Nugget is still wearing her fancy shoe, one Ugg, and is now sporting an extremely attractive leg brace. This day is too surreal. I wish she had her cane. We have no shame -me and my gimpy lesbian lover go out in public like this.

In all the commotion of the hospital and the superbowl - I forgot to write on the bday girl’s wall (a sin against humanity for someone who was once told she should be in a facebook commercial) I log on this morning to see that Nugget, solid in the running of most shot girl in America for the date of February 1, 2009, managed to get some deep and meaningful thoughts out via facebook:

Nugget's Post on Fbook: hiiii im sittitng at a table with you right now. happy birthdayyy! you just made fun of me. for ur present i threw myself in front of a cab. love youuuu from nugget.
Hallmark worthy right?


1 comment:

Nugget said...

for the record, i have bad circulation in my feet and they DO actually turn purple/blue often!!! so suck on that popprincess

(i love you)